Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Unlucky Charms: a mostly spoiler-free review

In staying current in my field as an expert in evil leprechaun movies, I watched Unlucky Charms.

And wow. It's bad. After beginning with an introduction of four mythical creatures of the underworld -- Red Man (a type of leprechaun), Cyclops, Banshee, and Hobgoblin -- it starts off with five scantily-clad, hot women competing in a modeling competition taking place in a house that's a castle in Los Angeles. I'm pretty sure it was Ronnie James Dio's house. I'll admit, four of the women are genuinely hot. One of the women who I found utterly un-hot is a bitchy, gangly, unremarkable-looking woman with horse teeth. Actress and Playboy model Anna Berglund is probably the hottest (and she shows boob, with nipple, in this film). One competitor is a pleasantly plump, nice character with huge breasts; another is a hot Asian slutty-looking type; and the other hot one is a kind of run-of-the-mill and lacking personality, but nonetheless easy on the eyes blonde girl with a cute butt.

As you can tell, these girls are distracting, because within the first twenty minutes or so I'm not sure what the plot is or why these underworld beings go to the surface where humanity lives, let alone a modeling contest in a castle-house (this one-setting setup lets you know it's a low budget movie, if you couldn't already tell). But this is a film from Full Moon Features, who are notorious for making so-bad-they're-good movies. I like FMF. They make odd little fantasy/horror movies, soft core porn, and grindhouse-y type stuff.

I know I'm reading this film from a very male perspective. But that's because the sex appeal of the women is a driving factor in order to cover up the low budget, bad acting, cockamamie storyline, etc. But I like movies such as this. Unlucky Charms is like an afterschool special gone wrong. It's not to be taken too seriously, and it doesn't aspire to be The Revenant. For me, it was a good intro to the Full Moon world, and this movie comes w/ a making-of featurette, a cool grindhouse song mashup, and lotsa trailers. And if you get the deluxe version (above), you get some marshmallow cereal, too, though I don't know how fresh it is by now. Thank goodness for preservatives.

And, by the way, I've been inspired by this unkillable genre of movie to pen a script called LEPRECOP, about a... you guessed it. It's in progress. Could be the start of a major franchise. Stranger things have happened.